Baby's favorite

when my nephews were babies, 8-9 years ago, I used to think how cute it was for them to have a favorite body part to grab hold of when falling asleep. For my oldest nephew, he used to grab my sister's hair and just rub it until he fell asleep. My younger nephew used to rub my sister's fingernails. Occasionally when I put them to sleep, they would do the same to me and it just made me smile. I thought it was adorable how they had these little consistent habits to help them fall asleep.

Now Eleanor has developed a habit and although cute, it's no fun for me. Of course my daughter picks the weirdest thing to get attached to. When I lay down next to her to help her fall asleep, she'll stick her fingers into my armpit. yup, my sweaty, fatty pits. Each and everytime, she'll navigate her hands around until she "finds" it with her eyes closed. It's cute for a second until she pinches me but I guess it's her thing and I'll miss it some day.

Mother of the year-NOT!!

I had a really scary experience today. I was swimming at my sister's pool and decided to have a race with my nephews and sat eleanor on the steps inside the pool and took off. when we all reached the other side of the pool, I looked back and eleanor was in the water!!! I'm not a swimmer so I couldn't swim fast enough but finally got to her. I want to cry just thinking about it now. It was so scary. She was wearing a life vest so she was on top of the water but rolling side to side so her face was in and out of the water and depending on how she fell into the pool, she could have swallowed a lot of water. I feel like the worst mom except that i don't let her get anywhere near the pool without her lifevest on even when we're just playing around the pool area.
and as soon as I got to her and got her out of the pool, she wanted to go back in to grab a toy so I guess she wasn't too traumatized. I didn't make a huge deal out of it because I dont want her to be scared of water like I have been all my life. But I will never forget the image of her fighting for air in the pool.

Thank God she's ok.

Oh plus she's been sick and had a fever for the last two days so I definitely didn't want her in the water. But because I was holding her so close in the water, I noticed that she had really dark yellow muck inside her ear which means she has an ear infection. So I probably made it worse!! Her other cousin has had severe hearing lose due to childhood ear infections and same with my FIL so I hope it's not something that runs in that side of the family. This is her first ear infection and since my nephews have been sick with the flu, I guess it's better than that which is what I thought she contracted.

Oh sleep, I miss you so

I should be sleeping now but it's hard to find uninterupted moments and I'm sure other mothers will testify, this is the time to get it. In the middle of the night. Elle will probably get up in 2 hours if I'm lucky so I should get to sleep but it's just been so nice having a real computer and to see things on a wide screen (as opposed to the iphone). Plus I've been able to catch up on some of my favorite blogs and surprised to find so many people have abandoned theirs. I guess people have lives or something to tend to. Maybe I'll go do that now.

Abby's birth story

For weeks leading up to the birth, I thought I was going to have a boy and at or before 37 weeks. I was so sure that we were going to have a boy that we didn't even have a girls' name picked out. I had Eleanor at 37 weeks and 3 days and heard repeated stories of how quick and early the second pregnancies were. So since being overweight and pregnant during the dead of summer wasn't much fun, I convinced myself that I was going to have this baby early.

37 weeks came and went...

38 weeks. TUESDAY. I went to my weekly midwife appointment and even though I didn't believe in intervention, I asked my midwife to stripe my membrane. She called it "massaging the cervix" but we all know what it is. A-man wasn't too thrilled about the fact that I had something "done" cuz he thought I was messing with nature but he also didn't have to carry or pop out a baby from his crotch!! So he really doesn't have a say.

SATURDAY. 5:25AM
I was partially up but wanted to sleep as much as I can before Elle woke up so I rolled onto my side. POP! I always thought that people hearing their water break was a myth but I guess it isn't. So I jumped out of bed and ran to the toilet and had completely soaked my underwear and shorts. I jumped so fast that I didn't get a drop on my bed and only a few drops along the way to the bathroom. I'm pretty proud of that feat:).
So I finished releasing my bag of water into the toilet and jumped into the bathtub to clean up before I had to go to the hospital and wait for the contractions to start. I left a message with the midwife on call and then called my mom to come over so she could watch Eleanor which was an excuse for her NOT to be at the hospital with me as she did when Elle was born. that's a whole 'nother story.


I received a call from my midwife shortly thereafter and she told me the regular drill, "call back when your contractions are less than 5 minutes apart for an hour". blah blah blah.. but she also said, "if you don't start your contractions by 12 hours from now(5PM) come in anyways so we could start induction".
The protocol in the states for water breaking is that the baby needs to be delivered 24 hours from the moment the water breaks. Other countries aren't too strict about it and let women go a few days without intervention.
But I was SURE (ha!)I was going to start contractions any moment so I got ready. My mom came over and took Eleanor to her place and A-man and I just waited and waited. Nothing was happening so at lunch time we went to our favorite Indian restaurant and thought that if my body wasn't going to do it naturally, surely the Dal Mahkani would do it. But nothing...

I did have several contractions throughout the day but nothing that were spaced really far apart and non too painful.

4PM Midwife calls and asks how I'm doing.
Since I was fine I asked her what she would do once I got there and she said they would first try some natural induction methods like nipple stimulation and that she would put me on a breast pump. So I took out my manual pump which I totally forgot how to use and forgot to add a crucial part to it and struggled to get a decent suction but managed somehow. I pumped each boob a few minutes and got up to get ready to go and guess what, I got a contraction! Voila, just like that! It actually worked!

6:30PM Checked into the hospital and was seen by midwife.
I was 6cm dilated and my midwife, Darcy, really went at it to get my cervix a little more "ready". Not fun at all.
I walked down the hallway once, sat on my bed, and since I had A-man, a doula (provided by the hospital) and a friend there, we just laughed it out except while my contractions hit, which were regular at about 3 minutes apart. I managed to get up and get into the whirlpool but by 9PM it was getting more and more difficult to relax. The thing that my bradley method teacher taught us that I remembered from Eleanor was that each contraction is short, served a purpose, and there's no residual pain. I kept thinking that for each contraction and as much as I wanted it to be over, I knew that it was getting me closer to my baby.

I managed to get back to the bed and on my hands and knees which took the pressure off my back but as soon as I got off my back, I wanted to push. I felt like I "wanted" to push more than "needed" to but I did it anyways. My midwife didn't check me to see if I was further along and she got the birthing "kit" ready which I thought was premature and weird but she knew way before I knew and sure enough when I started pushing, it was time. I pushed twice and although the third push felt like it lasted forever, it was the one. During that last third contraction, I pushed in little spurts, first the head, rest, rest, rest, then the shoulders which means the rest of the body. Like I said, it seemed like it was forever and but it was just one loooooooooooong push. Of course I wanted to just push with all my might and keep going but as hard as it was, my midwife reminded me to stop and start so I didn't tare. At the moment, I didn't care and just wanted her out but thank God I listened!!

10:05PM Pop goes the weasel!
Abigail came out completely covered with vernix, it was totally gross! I actually made a yuck face and didn't really want to hold her. But of course I did and when I did, I got over it real fast! Elle came out clean as a whistle so I wasn't expecting it but I guess it had to do with the water breaking early. She didn't cry much just like her sister and I could tell A-man was a little disappointed that it wasn't a boy but he also got over that really fast.

Our delivery team really respected my wishes on my birth plan and let me hold her for the first hour before they took her to weigh her and give her the eye ointment and stuff. I actually didn't even know how tall she was until discharge 24 hours later but since we were so busy trying to figure out a name for our surprise girl baby, we didn't have time to wonder about anything else.

She's now 7 weeks old and has been a dream. She sleeps mostly and when she's awake to nurse, she goes right back to sleep. As she's getting older, she's staying awake a little longer which I should love but I just feel so bad that I can't spend as much time with her as i did with Eleanor because of Eleanor! because I have to be with her older sister so she doesn't destroy something. I can tell already that Abigail will be the center of the family, the one that keeps us all together and calm. She looks at you and things just seem right in the world. Eleanor makes us laugh and entertains us and Abigail will keep us calm and content. I love my girls and am so happy that they will have each other in life long after A-man and I are gone. And since this will be our last baby, it really makes me sad that they are growing so fast. It's been 7 weeks already, I just can't believe it. But then again, it's been 27 months since Eleanor's birth and that also seems like just days ago.

I'm back

really!! am back. I'm in Arizona right now visiting my sister who is away on her own family vacation until Tuesday, don't ask. So why did I come here? Well, I've been living without a complete bathroom for the last few months and I decided that it needed to get done NOW and the only way that was going to happen was if we were out of the house. My mom's house is on the market AND I don't really want to stay with her and listen to her criticism of my parenting style so with a 6 week old and a rambunctious 2 year old, I got on a 4 hour flight to Phoenix.

I've missed my blogs and reading other blogs and just having the moment to collect my thoughts. I'm not sure when we canceled our internet service at home but we just got it back the other day. I had canceled it to save money because AT&T was getting most of it with our phone service!! But I have internet on it so I thought I could save money by cutting out internet on our real computer. But there was no way I was going to blog from my phone. The internet is never realiable on that phone and it crashed all the time and after one too many crashes after having typed something on my phone, I just couldn't deal with that stress.

So when i go back home (after a month) I'll have internet again! YAY!!!!!

So there's so much to tell you all and so little time. I'm slowly adjusting to having two children, not very well but adjusting. the politically correct word to describe Eleanor is "spirited" but it's just a nice way of saying, crazeeee wild!! She is extremely social, friendly, curious, active, and down right wild. For example, during gymnastics classs last week before coming to phoenix, the teacher wanted the children to get in a line and run to their parents on the opposite end of the mat. So I stand Eleanor on the line and when they started running, she ran to some random mom and from her, one by one, hugged every other mom on the line, I think about 10 moms. Who does that????

Anyways, she's a handful to say the least and I'm afraid to admit that I am losing patience with her. When I was pregnant with her, we cursed out day care and preschool and even considered homeschooling, now after 27 months, I'm kicking myself for missing out on sending her to our local daycare! I know its because I have Abigail to take care of and was just too tired this past year to deal with her and if I hadn't been pregnant and Eleanor was an only child things would have been different. But the fact of the matter is, I have to deal with it and I am sad to say that I don't do it very well most of the time. I try to remind myself to breathe before reacting but most of the time, I just end up screaming at her. I feel like shit even admitting it.

Breathing.....

PPD

I think I might be suffering from post partum depression. I've been crying more than ever and cried twice where I couldn't control myself. It's hard to explain but my sister has panic attacks and I always thought she was over doing it with the uncontrolable cries but that's what I've been having where I can't catch my breath or calm myself from crying.

My husband has been bringing up things that normally get me upset but my reaction to it is different. It has a lot to do with not being able to do anything for elle and physically not being able to do much even though I feel ok, I know I need to lay low for at least a couple of weeks.

For the moment I need to go a day without crying cuz my eyes are all swollen and I can't really see.

so frustrated

I've complained endlessly about my MIL but never of my own mom and so this post is dedicated strictly to my umma.
My mom is the typical traditional Korean mother. She's all about materialism and looks and what other people think of her. We don't agree on anything but I am the most close to her of my siblings because even being the yongest I completely understand where she came from and I don't let her opinions get to me or at least I didn't used to let it bother me. But since becoming pregnant, her opinions on my parenting style and what she says to my daughter is really bothering me.

Today she came over to help me with Eleanor and even though she brought me homecooked dishes and wiped my hardwood floors on her hands and knees, she didn't help me watch Eleanor at all. The second she comes over, she complains about how Eleanor is naked and that she should be spanked when she takes her clothes off. I personally don't mind that she runs around naked, she's a baby, and she likes to take off her clothes, so the fuck what?? Who cares if she is naked at home, in the summer, at her own house? She doesn't strip down when she's at other peoples homes! So before my mom comes, I usually make sure that elle is dressed but I forgot today. But even when I don't forget and she is dressed, then my mom usually complains about her hair and how it's too long. I never wanted to cut her hair but after a ridiculous amount of complaining from my mom, I let her cut her bangs to get it out of her eyes, if we never had cut it, it would have been long enough now to tuck it back. Anyways, she just doesn't stop trying to tie her hair and if elle removes the rubber band, then she tells her how ugly she looks.

I'm 4 days post partum and even though she's here to help me with elle she doesn't do anything, including helping her go to the bathroom. She just sits with her while Elle watches tv. I can do that myself.

Plus when I hold abby or go see her, my mom tells me to leave her alone. Abby sleeps all day and is up all nght and I don't have anytime to hold my new baby. So why can't I hold her? I usually don't wake her up to feed but I'll do it occasionally just to hang out with her. She complains that I hold her too much and I've ruined Eleanor becuase I held her too much so I need to stop doing that with abby.

Plus when abby was born, all she said was how she doesn't have any dimples like Eleanor and that she's not going to be as cute because she doesn't have dimples and her face is round. And when other people see the abby for the first time while she's there, she'll just point out how she doesn't have dimples and that she has a round face, um like me. She never points out any good traits about anyone, just the negative and it really pisses me off. She really pisses me off!!