That's me. I just wrote 3 posts in a matter of minutes because I like that each one has it's own title. See, I'm a total nutjob.
Anyways, I'm freaking out that there's only days left for Christmas and I don't have any presents for my parents or the in laws family. I planned on making everything but didn't get around to it. If I don't have anything by Tuesday, I'll be in the kitchen baking all day if baby and husband allows me, that is.
I wanted to make my nieces dolls and some purses for the MIL and SIL but I dont have any motivation left in me these days. I think I'm depressed because of family and friends. I'm beginning to realize that my mom doesn't say one nice thing to me ever and the second she sees me, she's complaining or nagging me about what a crappy mom I am and "how I shouldn't have more children if I plan on raising them like I do Eleanor". That might sound utterly evil for a lot of you but it's not so bad if you're Korean because I grew up with this shit and I know she has also so I just kinda block it out. Although I'm human so it does hurt my feelings mainly because I think I'm a great mom and really proud of the fact that I'm raising such an independent and fun baby who has all the nourishment from extended breast feeding. Plus she has no separation anxiety or timidness because she's so loved and free to do her own thing. But I suck according to my mom because I let her sleep in the car for any length of time which is going to make her stupid apparently from all the car fumes even though we're outdoors. and she's too old to be breast feeding and it's embarrassing and her hairs too long and is poking her eyes. and baby doesn't hug or kiss my mom right away so she's not friendly. But I don't blame Eleanor at all because the second my mom sees her, she grabs her and demands a hug and a kiss and it's a little overbearing. Anyone who has met my daughter knows that she gives away hugs and kisses to any random stranger but not if you're all in her face about it. Who the hell would? I have always taken all her criticisms and complaints with a grain or salt and it never affected me but now that I'm a mom, it's completely unbearable. I suppose if anyone says anything NEGATIVE about my parenting style, I will get defensive cuz I'm only human and I'm doing the best that I THINK I can, not what others think I should.
Ok, I digress.
I was supposed to throw a Christmas party for my employees and their family but that's giving me a little anxiety and I'm not sure I'm going to do it. It'll have to be this Sunday so I really need to make up my fucking mind. I guess it starts with a clean house so I need to get my ass moving tomorrow although I'm pretty good at cleaning last minute and making it look great.
I hate that the holidays are stressing me out. That's not what it should be about. I heard a program on NPR today about this person's family tradition on how they have to pick one name from their family and MAKE that person a gift. It brought tears to my eyes listening to how she explained the joy of someone being excited for someone else to open their gift more than opening their own because they had made it.
I would love to adopt this tradition for my family and asked A-man to make me something but he just laughed it off. He usually doesn't get me anything or if he does it's really nothing I want.
I should be sleeping so I can have some energy to clean and figure out some gifts in the next few days.
Hope all your holiday preparations are going well.
A Freak
Thursday, December 18, 2008 | at 4:45 AM |
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7 comments:
1 - You are not a freak.
2 - you are a good mama. I didn't grow up Korean obviously, but that type of stuff would kill me. Eleanor is simply awesome. You're doing a great job.
3 - Her hair is not too long! It doesn't need to be cut in the least!
4 - Everyone will always say crap about bf'ing, it seems we'll never win this battle in the USA. Just keep doing what is right for your fam.
5 - Throw the party. It has been a long year, everyone is freaking out over the economy, I bet your employees and their families will love spending some time relaxing with you. It always seems to help relationships. Just get Alex to help you clean and make a trip to Sam's... they're the most helpful party planners ever. Some wine, some cheese, some mini cheesecakes... you're set. You are superwoman, but make it easy on yourself.
Just keep in mind how awesome you are and make sure to enjoy the holidays!
Of course I understand the whole critical Korean elder thing. Its why I didnt marry a Korean man. Not that the one Im with is any better. But you are entitled to have feelings. Of course it hurts to get told youre a bad mom. Youre a great mom! Dont stress over gifts. If you cant make something for them, then just dont this year. The hell with it! Maybe just a couple of small things for the kids only if you feel like you must.
As far as a Christmas party is concerned, if you really want to do it than by all means, do so. But if its just not in you this year, than dont feel guilty about skipping it. The last thing you need right now is more stress or guilt. Take care of you.
It must be an Asian thing with the hair.....O_0...and the breastfeeding...
Korean moms (1st generation anyway) aren't very affectionate, in every sense of the word. My mom is the same way. I find though that we communicate differently. She communicates her love through food. do you find the same w/ your mom?
I empathize with you. I meant to make several xmas presents for different people, mainly children. But lack of energy, my two children just made it really hard to get organized and motivated to do anything, so I ended up doing nothing.
I'm sorry your mom is so critical, but you know you're a good mom and that's all that matters.
It's interesting how Korean women differ with breastfeeding. Most of the women in my family think it's great that I'm still breastfeeding, think it's the best, and completely support me. I have one imo who differs a little but whatever.
I frequently type out two or more blog entries within a short span of time. I don't think I'm freaky for it, and you're certainly not either.
OMG - are you sure we don't have the same Korean mom? I guess in a fucked up way, Korean mothers think they are being helpfu, loving and giving constructive criticism when they are really just being hurtful and annoying. You are strong to be able to let that roll off your back. I often stress out about spending time with my mother because she ends up saying something negative and hurtful and pissing me off - making me feel like I need to get the fuck out of there. I hope I will stop this cycle with my kids. I know she loves me but has a messed up was of showing it sometimes.
You are an awesome mother and your old fashioned, emotionally challenged mom needs to be more open minded and positive.
The stress of the holidays is killing me. I think eating a bunch of staples would be less painful. I hope the next few days will be easier for you.
((hugs))
A friend and I used to say that our mothers would get together and have competitions on whose child was the worst - with the intent of their child being the "winner" (as dubious as the honor was). I don't think either of us was that bad, but that's from my point of view. :-)
I sometimes wonder if it's somewhat of a holdover of Korean (and other old world) tradition of talking about how worthless/ugly/troublesome your baby is so that the evil spirits/demons don't come take the baby away or curse the baby. Kind of getting into a groove of talking down your child to the point of it being hard to stop.
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