Memories

I'm really beginning to hate them. I mean the bad memories you don't even want to remember, the not so good ones, you want to go back and change, and the great ones, you want to relive. I look at old pictures and just get so sad. I want to be back in that time and be present again. It might sound like I may have lots of regrets but I don't. I am beyond content with my life, my husband, my baby, my house, my job, my parents, my current life. But I think back of old friends and wish I had done things differently so either the friendship didn't end so abruptly or it didn't end in a bad note. I wonder if I had been accepting of my father on the last time I saw him alive, would it have made things better, at least in my head and heart?
I wonder if I had reached out to my friend when he wrote me a postcard, would he not have killed himself?
I wonder if I kept my mouth shut about something my ex-best friend told me not to say, would she be in my life today?
I wish I had studied harder, exercised more, had more fun, and been nicer but would those things change what I have today? If so, I don't want it.

I don't know why the old memories are hitting me so hard lately. I listen to a song and think of a good time and wish I was there. I read an old letter and wish I had responded differently so I don't feel self doubt about that person. I always and still believe that there are no such things as coincidences, and that if you think about something or run into someone, that you still have unresolved issues with them. I am waiting for the days I run into these old friends so I can at least get the guilt and/or feeling of loss out of my head. It seems that I have a lot of apologizing to do because even with all these feelings of guilt and doubt, I still ended up being so incredibly blessed and lucky. All I can do from here on out is to live my life without anger and resentment and guilt. All I need to do is not do the things that made me feel this way in the first place to the people that ARE present in my life.

I miss my past, as fucked up as it was, I miss it. I wish some things happened differently but if all that led me to where I am today, I shall be grateful. Because I couldn't imagine my life or want my life any other way.