Rough Night

Alex and Elle left for Florida last night. I just sat in the car as they walked into the airport and checked in. I could see them checking in on the automated kiosk and the whole time, Elle was just staring at me. I don't know if she saw me since it was bright inside and dark outside but she just stared at my direction for awhile. When I said bye at the car, she just looked at me with a "where are YOU going?" "What do you mean bye"-look in her face. I am never doing this again. I'm never letting her go away without me. College is going to be REALLY hard.

I was afraid that I wouldn't miss Elle as much as I thought I would when she left for Florida but I cried myself to sleep holding one of her stuffed dolls. Then I cried while talking to them this morning. It's hard because she doesn't really talk and she just plays with the phone but it was reassuring just listening to her yelps and laughs.

I feel so guilty for not being there for her when she sleeps because I know she wants to nurse and it just brakes my heart thinking that she would "look" for it but it won't be available. This all happened because I thought I needed an all or nothing approach to weaning because she was/is so demanding but why? Nursing now is all about comfort and she needs that and I just took it away from her. I wished it because I was just so tired and nauseous all day and needed a little break but I'm still really sick and I'm not even sure I can make it this weekend to join them, which means that I won't see her for 8 days total.

They are having a blast and already went swimming, the bird sanctuary, and a walk on the ocean this morning but she hasn't taken a nap yet. I know it's from the newness of it all but I'm sure she's tired and hungry and only I could help her with that. I always told myself and other doubters that when it comes to extended breastfeeding, she won't be doing it when she's 16 years old so who cares. I really do believe in it and do believe that EBF is healthy for children's emotional well-being. But I got scared and selfish and now I'm kicking myself for it.

I don't know how parents can leave their babies behind and go on vacation. I don't think we could ever leave her alone with someone else and take off. I don't ever see a reason we would need to.

If I wasn't feeling so sick, I'd keep myself busy but I can't even do that. I won't know until friday to see how I feel but I don't want to add motion sickness to morning sickness.

This is the hardest thing I've EVER done. Leaving Alex and my mom behind for Peace Corps was hard and i cried for weeks but I think I'm crying more this time even though it's only going to be for days.