PPD

I think I might be suffering from post partum depression. I've been crying more than ever and cried twice where I couldn't control myself. It's hard to explain but my sister has panic attacks and I always thought she was over doing it with the uncontrolable cries but that's what I've been having where I can't catch my breath or calm myself from crying.

My husband has been bringing up things that normally get me upset but my reaction to it is different. It has a lot to do with not being able to do anything for elle and physically not being able to do much even though I feel ok, I know I need to lay low for at least a couple of weeks.

For the moment I need to go a day without crying cuz my eyes are all swollen and I can't really see.

so frustrated

I've complained endlessly about my MIL but never of my own mom and so this post is dedicated strictly to my umma.
My mom is the typical traditional Korean mother. She's all about materialism and looks and what other people think of her. We don't agree on anything but I am the most close to her of my siblings because even being the yongest I completely understand where she came from and I don't let her opinions get to me or at least I didn't used to let it bother me. But since becoming pregnant, her opinions on my parenting style and what she says to my daughter is really bothering me.

Today she came over to help me with Eleanor and even though she brought me homecooked dishes and wiped my hardwood floors on her hands and knees, she didn't help me watch Eleanor at all. The second she comes over, she complains about how Eleanor is naked and that she should be spanked when she takes her clothes off. I personally don't mind that she runs around naked, she's a baby, and she likes to take off her clothes, so the fuck what?? Who cares if she is naked at home, in the summer, at her own house? She doesn't strip down when she's at other peoples homes! So before my mom comes, I usually make sure that elle is dressed but I forgot today. But even when I don't forget and she is dressed, then my mom usually complains about her hair and how it's too long. I never wanted to cut her hair but after a ridiculous amount of complaining from my mom, I let her cut her bangs to get it out of her eyes, if we never had cut it, it would have been long enough now to tuck it back. Anyways, she just doesn't stop trying to tie her hair and if elle removes the rubber band, then she tells her how ugly she looks.

I'm 4 days post partum and even though she's here to help me with elle she doesn't do anything, including helping her go to the bathroom. She just sits with her while Elle watches tv. I can do that myself.

Plus when I hold abby or go see her, my mom tells me to leave her alone. Abby sleeps all day and is up all nght and I don't have anytime to hold my new baby. So why can't I hold her? I usually don't wake her up to feed but I'll do it occasionally just to hang out with her. She complains that I hold her too much and I've ruined Eleanor becuase I held her too much so I need to stop doing that with abby.

Plus when abby was born, all she said was how she doesn't have any dimples like Eleanor and that she's not going to be as cute because she doesn't have dimples and her face is round. And when other people see the abby for the first time while she's there, she'll just point out how she doesn't have dimples and that she has a round face, um like me. She never points out any good traits about anyone, just the negative and it really pisses me off. She really pisses me off!!

New chapter

It's been a tough summer. Being pregnant while having a two year old was the hardest thing. These last few weeks were not easy physically and emotionally and the added stress of not having a finished bathroom was the icing on a crappy cake. But that's all over now. Our second daughter was born this weekend on august 21 at 10:05pm. She weighed 7 pounds 7 ounces and was 19.7 inches tall. We were so sure that we were having a boy that we didn't finalize on a girls name and when it was time to decide, A-man threw me a curve ball of a name. We had picked out Oliver for the boy's name, which was picked when we were pregnant with Eleanor so that wasn't hard but since he didn't like any of the potential girls names that I had picked out, he said we should name her Olive. Although it's a cute name, I feared that if she ends up being a chubby kid like I was, other kids would make fun of her for having a name fit her size, irrational but I just couldn't do it. Then he was no help in picking out any other name, it was Olive or nothing. Plus all the names that I had thought of just didn't work at that moment so we had to start from scratch. I kept looking up names while at the hospital but I only had less than 24 hours to decide and convince my husband. At 7pm, 4 hours before being discharged, he picked a name out of 4 new names that I had given him. So after the long and stressful decision we finalized on calling our new baby, Abigail MinJung! I could have decided on my own but I really wanted him to be apart of naming her, our baby and I'm glad we did. The name fits her because she's sweet and calm just like the name sounds.

I'll write a separate post about the birth story so let me say here that Eleanor has been a good sister so far. She doesn't like when Abigail is in her bed by herslef and wants me to pick her up and when she cries, Elle's the first one to run to her side. She's still a little too touchy to be trusted but I think she'll be a good sister.

Abby has been sleeping mostly all day and night so it hasn't been too hard so far. Knock on wood that continues to stay like this. The only problem with that is that my milk has already come in after one day and since she's not nursing often, I already have engorgememt. And it hurts!!!


Another thing that's different is that with a two year old in the house, life goes on as usual so from the moment I came home, I was on the move. The morning after being discharged, I woke up as usual, made breakfast, and tidied up the house. Only after a few hours of my normal routine did I sit down and when I did, I felt it. My body ached all over and when I did get up, I gushed a pool of blood and worried myself sick but it was just that one time and I learned my lesson.