Just wanted to check in and tell you all that I'm still around, barely but hanging in there. I got a new cell phone with Internet but it cost a lot more than before so I had to cancel Internet at home which means that I am entering this from my phone which isn't easy to do nor fun. But as soon as I feel better we'll try to figure out how to steal wifi and hopefully be able to be online. Anyways, I'm doing ok and hope you are too.

We're back!! it was the worst trip ever. when I got there it was late at night so Eleanor was asleep in the car and transferred over to the bed well and didn't wake up until about midnight. When she did wake up she looked at me and you could tell it didn't register for a minute but as soon as it did, she started screaming for the boob. Since it was a one bedroom hotel and his parents were sleeping in the "living room" with paper thin walls, I felt really bad and eventually gave in even though I was going to stop nursing all together since she was used to it for the past few days. Nursing for the first time in 4 days really hurt not as much as the beginnning but almost as painful. The body heals so much faster than I thought but it's already getting used to it. I guess I didn't give Eleanor enough credit because I thought maybe she would have forgotten about nursing and not really look for it. But it was like no time had past and all she sees in me are big jugs.

So we nursed as usual for the rest of the trip. I still didn't feel 100% and puked about once a day but I got to swim with her for a bit and walk along the ocean.

I won't go too much of the rest of the trip but staying with the in laws was just as horrible as I thought it would be and I just don't want to recap and think about it. the highlight was when my MIL got pissed drunk, drinking more than half of a costco size 1.75L vodka, straight, in one afternoon and groping my boob and almost pouring milk down baby's face. But I told her off both times.

Don't tell Alex but before I left, I dumped the rest of the vodka in the drain and left about an inch at the bottom. I can't stand drunks esp anyone getting drunk near my baby. How can anyone do that? or better yet, how can anyone drink a liter of vodka straight up???? Fucking bitch!

I'm so happy to be home!!

Gone Fishing

I've decided to go join my family in Florida. I'm still puking and nauseous but I miss my baby and baby's daddy like crazy so I'm just going to toughen up and go. Plus I woke up to a snowy Chicago so I'm getting the heck out of here. I'll be back on tuesday with stories (most likely complaints about the MIL) and pictures.

Happy Valentine's day everyone and have a great weekend.

Rough Night

Alex and Elle left for Florida last night. I just sat in the car as they walked into the airport and checked in. I could see them checking in on the automated kiosk and the whole time, Elle was just staring at me. I don't know if she saw me since it was bright inside and dark outside but she just stared at my direction for awhile. When I said bye at the car, she just looked at me with a "where are YOU going?" "What do you mean bye"-look in her face. I am never doing this again. I'm never letting her go away without me. College is going to be REALLY hard.

I was afraid that I wouldn't miss Elle as much as I thought I would when she left for Florida but I cried myself to sleep holding one of her stuffed dolls. Then I cried while talking to them this morning. It's hard because she doesn't really talk and she just plays with the phone but it was reassuring just listening to her yelps and laughs.

I feel so guilty for not being there for her when she sleeps because I know she wants to nurse and it just brakes my heart thinking that she would "look" for it but it won't be available. This all happened because I thought I needed an all or nothing approach to weaning because she was/is so demanding but why? Nursing now is all about comfort and she needs that and I just took it away from her. I wished it because I was just so tired and nauseous all day and needed a little break but I'm still really sick and I'm not even sure I can make it this weekend to join them, which means that I won't see her for 8 days total.

They are having a blast and already went swimming, the bird sanctuary, and a walk on the ocean this morning but she hasn't taken a nap yet. I know it's from the newness of it all but I'm sure she's tired and hungry and only I could help her with that. I always told myself and other doubters that when it comes to extended breastfeeding, she won't be doing it when she's 16 years old so who cares. I really do believe in it and do believe that EBF is healthy for children's emotional well-being. But I got scared and selfish and now I'm kicking myself for it.

I don't know how parents can leave their babies behind and go on vacation. I don't think we could ever leave her alone with someone else and take off. I don't ever see a reason we would need to.

If I wasn't feeling so sick, I'd keep myself busy but I can't even do that. I won't know until friday to see how I feel but I don't want to add motion sickness to morning sickness.

This is the hardest thing I've EVER done. Leaving Alex and my mom behind for Peace Corps was hard and i cried for weeks but I think I'm crying more this time even though it's only going to be for days.

I cried last night while putting Eleanor to bed because it might be the one of the last times I get to nurse her and as much as I am ready to stop it, it breaks my heart to think that she's growing up so fast. But then she bit me and I stopped crying.

They are leaving on Tuesday for Florida. I'm still not feeling 100% so I feel like I can use the break but I know I'm going to go nuts the whole time they are gone. A-man keeps saying that she'll be so tan that I won't recognize her. He loves when she looks "white" and thinks that the sun will lighten her hair and tan her skin and make her look better. Yeah, I know, he's totally nuts cuz we already have a beautiful baby and she doesn't need to look any different but I can't stop him from thinking his assinine thoughts.

I think even if they didn't go away, Eleanor is almost ready to self wean anyways. She's adamant about nursing during her naps but at night time, I say it's enough and that she "doesn't need it any more" and she just turns around and goes to sleep or flips and flops without arguing and goes to sleep eventually. It's been happeing for several days now and I can finally say for certainty that she probably doesn't need me to go to bed at night.

I'm not sure what will happen when they come back but either way, I'll miss the close bond that we have shared for the last 19+ months while nursing. I'm so glad I breastfed her for so long and probably would have continued if it wasn't for the morning sickness.

Going Private

I decided to go private with my blog. Call is paranoia or pregnancy hormones but as Eleanor grows, I feel kinda weird about sharing her stories and pictures with the world not knowing who is actually seeing it.

Many people comment but there are a LOT of people that do not and I don't know who you are. I hope that everyone that reads this blog are other moms who can relate and understand but you just never know.

So in a few weeks I'm only going to allow people that I KNOW access to the blog and if you would like to be included please comment me your email address so I can add you to the list.

Another month gone so fast

Even though I was miserably sick for most of January and laying in bed hoping that it would end, I didn't realize that it would end so soon. Lame, I know. Now I'm hoping that February or my morning sickness ends just as fast, hopefully my morning sickness will end sooner. Like hopefully by February 14th when I'm scheduled to go the Florida.

Anyways, today is February 1st and that means that Eleanor is 19 whole months old. When people ask me how old she is, I want to say 2 because she just seems so much older but she's just a year and a half, well a year and 7 months and that just seems so young to me. I think I wrote in December how worried I was that she wasn't talking as fast as her "age" group and although I don't really care about how fast she progresses, I am very aware of her progress. But in the last couple of months, she has learned so much and even taught herself a thing or two which I'm still kinda floored by. For instance, she blows kisses goodbye. I never taught her that. I've never seen anyone really blow her kisses, yet in the past couple of weeks, whenever she leaves, she'll blow a kiss goodbye. And can I say it's the most cutest thing in the world.

She also pretty much understands everything we say to her and everything I say to her in Korean. When she wants to go to bed, I'll get in bed, tell her to close the door, help her turn off the light, and tell her to lay down next to me and she doesn't even hesitate for a second. Pretty much when it comes to her wanting to nurse, she seems to understand me perfectly. Little stinker!!

She's also been really awesome at sleeping through the night, she'll have some nights where she wakes up a couple of times and if I happened to have fallen asleep in her room next to her, she'll want to nurse but if I'm not, she'll just whine a little and go right back to sleep. Then she wakes up around 4-5am and runs to the door and tries to open it, crying for a few minutes and if she doesn't hear us coming, she'll go back to sleep. HOWEVER, the little smarty pants learned to open the door this week by herself so she just gets up, no crying, opens the door, comes to our door, opens that up, and hops on top of me and wants to nurse. I thought it was cute for like a day and then went out and bought door knob covers today. I wonder what she'll do tonight when she can't open the door. I'm a little sad for her because I do get really proud of her for figuring things out like opening the door and turning off the television and such.

We had a shitload of things to get together today because A-man's parents are leaving first thing in the morning to Florida by car and they're going to take pretty much all our stuff with them. So we had to go buy a swim suit, diapers, and sandals for baby and then come home, do some laundry, pack (I just realized I forgot something, damn) and send it off with A-man tonight. It wouldn't have taken so long but I really can't move that fast so it took all day.

Since we were so busy today, I didn't get to take a bunch of pictures all day long like I try to do every month on the first so here's some I took tonight before I sent off the camera with his parents. I really didn't want to because what they did to me on Elle's b-day but I had to. A-man would have flipped if I didn't, but I really wanted to "forget" something really important.