Sprited Toddler

I am getting more and more impatient with my toddler and usually end up crying and or feeling like shit for responding poorly to her. I was a firm believer in child-led development and up until she was able to walk, I was very patient with her and let her explore her new world for herself with very few interventions. Even from the moment she was able to gesture, she has been an extremely friendly, adventurous, social, and curious little baby and she never let up.

I am so grateful to have a friendly and social baby instead of someone that clings onto me and fears new situations and/or people but I feel like she is an extreme case. She has no fear or reserve when it comes to things. She'll go up to anyone, child or adult and give them hugs and she even hugged every single mom in our gymnastics class during one game. For the most part her extreme social behavior is adorable since I'm pretty shy myself. But the problem is that she has become so defiant and aggressive when I try to stop her. Even when she's about to sleep, she will not be still for a second. She is constantly on the move and constantly into everything. She'll grab anything to examine it and when I try to get it from her she'll run with it and if I corner her in where she can't run anymore, she'll throw it. She doesn't eat much and after a bite, she'll play with her food and destroy everything on the table by mixing things up. She can open doors and climb gates, zippers, buttons, everything in order to get what she wants. She and I usually race to grab the baby because if she reaches the baby first, she grabs her and won't let go. She has shocked herself from sticking cords into the outlets. She can climb pretty much anything and get things she's not supposed to.
She's never been able to sleep through the night so she's tired and if she doesn't get a nap, she's extra defiant and mean and resorts to biting and pinching. She sweats a ton when sleeping so she'll wake up uncomfortable and lately she has nightmares and cries and screams several times a night. I feel like if she at least got a decent sleep, she'd be a touch more calm.
I've tried time outs, redirecting, calmly talking to her, shouting and spanking which I'm not proud of. She didn't even know the meaning of spanking 6 months ago and I used to be so proud when my family members threatened it to her and she didn't know what they were talking about. But one day I lost it after losing my mind when she just wouldn't listen to me. I'm not proud to say that she doesn't even respond to spanking anymore although it works the best out of all the other methods I've tried.
Being born and raised (until 7) in Korea where corporal punishment and spanking was the norm, and witnessing domestic abuse from my father everyday, I really didn't want to do that with my children but she puts herself in such danger where time outs don't work and if you ask her "do you want a time out or even a spanking" she'll reply yes and go to her corner or stick out her butt to me.
I tell her not to do something every time and she still does it.
For example, I can never do dishes with her in the room because EVERY FUCKING TIME I do it and she'll grab something out of the dishwasher and/or try to sit on the dishwasher door. She has NEVER not touched the dishwasher when I do it and so I don't let her into the kitchen when I do it and when I feel bad enough while she looks at me through the baby gate, she'll promise not to touch the dishwasher, but she does it and that's pretty much the norm for everything!! She just doesn't listen to anything I say or maybe she doesnt remember but I know she has a hell of a memory when it comes to something she wants. No matter where I hide something, even if it's just before she falls asleep at night, she'll remember and go to it, first thing in the morning.
I like the fact that she's social and curious but I need her to listen to me so she doesn't run away or break things or eat things or damage things. Even when she hugs, she'll do it so hard and hurt the other child who isn't used to big bear hugs and if the child pulls away , Eleanor will just pull in harder or bite occasionally(which seems to be fewer and far between)..

My brother beat the shit out of his children and my sister screams and threatens bloody Mary and that's all Ive experienced in my life but I don't want to go that route and I was so proud of my self for going against THAT family tradition but am slowly sinking to that bottom where I never wanted to go.

Baby's favorite

when my nephews were babies, 8-9 years ago, I used to think how cute it was for them to have a favorite body part to grab hold of when falling asleep. For my oldest nephew, he used to grab my sister's hair and just rub it until he fell asleep. My younger nephew used to rub my sister's fingernails. Occasionally when I put them to sleep, they would do the same to me and it just made me smile. I thought it was adorable how they had these little consistent habits to help them fall asleep.

Now Eleanor has developed a habit and although cute, it's no fun for me. Of course my daughter picks the weirdest thing to get attached to. When I lay down next to her to help her fall asleep, she'll stick her fingers into my armpit. yup, my sweaty, fatty pits. Each and everytime, she'll navigate her hands around until she "finds" it with her eyes closed. It's cute for a second until she pinches me but I guess it's her thing and I'll miss it some day.

Mother of the year-NOT!!

I had a really scary experience today. I was swimming at my sister's pool and decided to have a race with my nephews and sat eleanor on the steps inside the pool and took off. when we all reached the other side of the pool, I looked back and eleanor was in the water!!! I'm not a swimmer so I couldn't swim fast enough but finally got to her. I want to cry just thinking about it now. It was so scary. She was wearing a life vest so she was on top of the water but rolling side to side so her face was in and out of the water and depending on how she fell into the pool, she could have swallowed a lot of water. I feel like the worst mom except that i don't let her get anywhere near the pool without her lifevest on even when we're just playing around the pool area.
and as soon as I got to her and got her out of the pool, she wanted to go back in to grab a toy so I guess she wasn't too traumatized. I didn't make a huge deal out of it because I dont want her to be scared of water like I have been all my life. But I will never forget the image of her fighting for air in the pool.

Thank God she's ok.

Oh plus she's been sick and had a fever for the last two days so I definitely didn't want her in the water. But because I was holding her so close in the water, I noticed that she had really dark yellow muck inside her ear which means she has an ear infection. So I probably made it worse!! Her other cousin has had severe hearing lose due to childhood ear infections and same with my FIL so I hope it's not something that runs in that side of the family. This is her first ear infection and since my nephews have been sick with the flu, I guess it's better than that which is what I thought she contracted.

Oh sleep, I miss you so

I should be sleeping now but it's hard to find uninterupted moments and I'm sure other mothers will testify, this is the time to get it. In the middle of the night. Elle will probably get up in 2 hours if I'm lucky so I should get to sleep but it's just been so nice having a real computer and to see things on a wide screen (as opposed to the iphone). Plus I've been able to catch up on some of my favorite blogs and surprised to find so many people have abandoned theirs. I guess people have lives or something to tend to. Maybe I'll go do that now.

Abby's birth story

For weeks leading up to the birth, I thought I was going to have a boy and at or before 37 weeks. I was so sure that we were going to have a boy that we didn't even have a girls' name picked out. I had Eleanor at 37 weeks and 3 days and heard repeated stories of how quick and early the second pregnancies were. So since being overweight and pregnant during the dead of summer wasn't much fun, I convinced myself that I was going to have this baby early.

37 weeks came and went...

38 weeks. TUESDAY. I went to my weekly midwife appointment and even though I didn't believe in intervention, I asked my midwife to stripe my membrane. She called it "massaging the cervix" but we all know what it is. A-man wasn't too thrilled about the fact that I had something "done" cuz he thought I was messing with nature but he also didn't have to carry or pop out a baby from his crotch!! So he really doesn't have a say.

SATURDAY. 5:25AM
I was partially up but wanted to sleep as much as I can before Elle woke up so I rolled onto my side. POP! I always thought that people hearing their water break was a myth but I guess it isn't. So I jumped out of bed and ran to the toilet and had completely soaked my underwear and shorts. I jumped so fast that I didn't get a drop on my bed and only a few drops along the way to the bathroom. I'm pretty proud of that feat:).
So I finished releasing my bag of water into the toilet and jumped into the bathtub to clean up before I had to go to the hospital and wait for the contractions to start. I left a message with the midwife on call and then called my mom to come over so she could watch Eleanor which was an excuse for her NOT to be at the hospital with me as she did when Elle was born. that's a whole 'nother story.


I received a call from my midwife shortly thereafter and she told me the regular drill, "call back when your contractions are less than 5 minutes apart for an hour". blah blah blah.. but she also said, "if you don't start your contractions by 12 hours from now(5PM) come in anyways so we could start induction".
The protocol in the states for water breaking is that the baby needs to be delivered 24 hours from the moment the water breaks. Other countries aren't too strict about it and let women go a few days without intervention.
But I was SURE (ha!)I was going to start contractions any moment so I got ready. My mom came over and took Eleanor to her place and A-man and I just waited and waited. Nothing was happening so at lunch time we went to our favorite Indian restaurant and thought that if my body wasn't going to do it naturally, surely the Dal Mahkani would do it. But nothing...

I did have several contractions throughout the day but nothing that were spaced really far apart and non too painful.

4PM Midwife calls and asks how I'm doing.
Since I was fine I asked her what she would do once I got there and she said they would first try some natural induction methods like nipple stimulation and that she would put me on a breast pump. So I took out my manual pump which I totally forgot how to use and forgot to add a crucial part to it and struggled to get a decent suction but managed somehow. I pumped each boob a few minutes and got up to get ready to go and guess what, I got a contraction! Voila, just like that! It actually worked!

6:30PM Checked into the hospital and was seen by midwife.
I was 6cm dilated and my midwife, Darcy, really went at it to get my cervix a little more "ready". Not fun at all.
I walked down the hallway once, sat on my bed, and since I had A-man, a doula (provided by the hospital) and a friend there, we just laughed it out except while my contractions hit, which were regular at about 3 minutes apart. I managed to get up and get into the whirlpool but by 9PM it was getting more and more difficult to relax. The thing that my bradley method teacher taught us that I remembered from Eleanor was that each contraction is short, served a purpose, and there's no residual pain. I kept thinking that for each contraction and as much as I wanted it to be over, I knew that it was getting me closer to my baby.

I managed to get back to the bed and on my hands and knees which took the pressure off my back but as soon as I got off my back, I wanted to push. I felt like I "wanted" to push more than "needed" to but I did it anyways. My midwife didn't check me to see if I was further along and she got the birthing "kit" ready which I thought was premature and weird but she knew way before I knew and sure enough when I started pushing, it was time. I pushed twice and although the third push felt like it lasted forever, it was the one. During that last third contraction, I pushed in little spurts, first the head, rest, rest, rest, then the shoulders which means the rest of the body. Like I said, it seemed like it was forever and but it was just one loooooooooooong push. Of course I wanted to just push with all my might and keep going but as hard as it was, my midwife reminded me to stop and start so I didn't tare. At the moment, I didn't care and just wanted her out but thank God I listened!!

10:05PM Pop goes the weasel!
Abigail came out completely covered with vernix, it was totally gross! I actually made a yuck face and didn't really want to hold her. But of course I did and when I did, I got over it real fast! Elle came out clean as a whistle so I wasn't expecting it but I guess it had to do with the water breaking early. She didn't cry much just like her sister and I could tell A-man was a little disappointed that it wasn't a boy but he also got over that really fast.

Our delivery team really respected my wishes on my birth plan and let me hold her for the first hour before they took her to weigh her and give her the eye ointment and stuff. I actually didn't even know how tall she was until discharge 24 hours later but since we were so busy trying to figure out a name for our surprise girl baby, we didn't have time to wonder about anything else.

She's now 7 weeks old and has been a dream. She sleeps mostly and when she's awake to nurse, she goes right back to sleep. As she's getting older, she's staying awake a little longer which I should love but I just feel so bad that I can't spend as much time with her as i did with Eleanor because of Eleanor! because I have to be with her older sister so she doesn't destroy something. I can tell already that Abigail will be the center of the family, the one that keeps us all together and calm. She looks at you and things just seem right in the world. Eleanor makes us laugh and entertains us and Abigail will keep us calm and content. I love my girls and am so happy that they will have each other in life long after A-man and I are gone. And since this will be our last baby, it really makes me sad that they are growing so fast. It's been 7 weeks already, I just can't believe it. But then again, it's been 27 months since Eleanor's birth and that also seems like just days ago.

I'm back

really!! am back. I'm in Arizona right now visiting my sister who is away on her own family vacation until Tuesday, don't ask. So why did I come here? Well, I've been living without a complete bathroom for the last few months and I decided that it needed to get done NOW and the only way that was going to happen was if we were out of the house. My mom's house is on the market AND I don't really want to stay with her and listen to her criticism of my parenting style so with a 6 week old and a rambunctious 2 year old, I got on a 4 hour flight to Phoenix.

I've missed my blogs and reading other blogs and just having the moment to collect my thoughts. I'm not sure when we canceled our internet service at home but we just got it back the other day. I had canceled it to save money because AT&T was getting most of it with our phone service!! But I have internet on it so I thought I could save money by cutting out internet on our real computer. But there was no way I was going to blog from my phone. The internet is never realiable on that phone and it crashed all the time and after one too many crashes after having typed something on my phone, I just couldn't deal with that stress.

So when i go back home (after a month) I'll have internet again! YAY!!!!!

So there's so much to tell you all and so little time. I'm slowly adjusting to having two children, not very well but adjusting. the politically correct word to describe Eleanor is "spirited" but it's just a nice way of saying, crazeeee wild!! She is extremely social, friendly, curious, active, and down right wild. For example, during gymnastics classs last week before coming to phoenix, the teacher wanted the children to get in a line and run to their parents on the opposite end of the mat. So I stand Eleanor on the line and when they started running, she ran to some random mom and from her, one by one, hugged every other mom on the line, I think about 10 moms. Who does that????

Anyways, she's a handful to say the least and I'm afraid to admit that I am losing patience with her. When I was pregnant with her, we cursed out day care and preschool and even considered homeschooling, now after 27 months, I'm kicking myself for missing out on sending her to our local daycare! I know its because I have Abigail to take care of and was just too tired this past year to deal with her and if I hadn't been pregnant and Eleanor was an only child things would have been different. But the fact of the matter is, I have to deal with it and I am sad to say that I don't do it very well most of the time. I try to remind myself to breathe before reacting but most of the time, I just end up screaming at her. I feel like shit even admitting it.

Breathing.....