I feel a little nuts these days. With the whole pregnancy scare and feeling nauseous to nearly losing my voice on new years weekend and gaining weight, I am not myself. I know I'm not the healthiest of eaters and I eat a LOT!! But I don't think I eat more than I'm used to eating. I hate looking in the mirror and just can't even look people in the face cuz I don't want them to think, "oh wow, she's gained so much weight!". I've always been a big girl but I am the biggest I've ever been. Weight aside, I just feel miserable. I'm frustrated with my husband, Eleanor, and parents. I get annoyed about everything and at everyone. I've lost all motivation to do anything. But I can't put my fucking iphone down for a second. I'm probably frying my babies with all the electromagnetic waves that it produces around them. I don't know why but I constantly check my email and facebook, etc. I don't even have friends that write me and no one calls except for A-man. Before my girls, my core friends were and are single so they pretty much moved on with their single life and don't even check up on me. I've made some great mom friends and reconnected with old friends that are also moms now but I feel like they all have their lives and are just too busy. Why am I not that busy? Why do I always find time to check emails and shit and play solitaire on my phone? Its the only thing I can do to keep entertained while nursing Abby and if I'm not playing with Eleanor directly, I don't like idle time. Is it some kind of fear of idle time? I need to get rid of that phone, it's way too much. I don't even need a phone except for emergencies since like I said, there's no one to call.
The other day I broke out and had to leave the house around 4 in the morning and I just wanted to keep driving. I love my girls and my family but it's just too much sometimes. I used to hate being suffocated with people depending on me and now I have two little ones depending on me and one of them 100%. I always needed space and even when I was dating A-man, I wouldn't let him stand too close to me all the time. I'm not a cuddler except when I want to be and I loved being alone. Now I hate being alone everyday and I want people around me all the time, if not to entertain me, then the girls. I still like to do my own thing but I like to know that my family is around. A-man does give me time off from Eleanor but I'd rather he watch her in the other room and be home than take her out. It's crazy, I'm crazy.
Someone told me to get a full panel blood work done to check for hypothyroidism but my insurance expires for the year in february and I don't want to go see the doctor now and pay into the deductible that is going to re-start from zero next month. How's that for fucked up? I hope I don't lose it before then.
What is wrong with me?
Tuesday, January 5, 2010 | at 11:02 PM |
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2 comments:
I'm so sorry babe. I bet you're beautiful, you always have been - inside and out. For some reason my patience is less with P lately as well.
The insurance thing stinks, but maybe get it checked out - or a new vitamin, or a day at the spa? Just some time for you.
I feel you. Seriously. I have felt like that for the last 10 years. This last decade was a total bitch. There is nothing wrong with you except for the fact that YOU are on the backburner. Everyone in your life, especially your babies have taken priority. Someone needs to take care of you for a change. I completely lost contact with my friends when my kids were the ages of yours right now. I know that it feels lonely and depressing. You are not alone. Remember that.
Try to find some time for yourself. Think of it as recharging your battery. You will be a better mother for it.
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