So much to say

Eleanor is teething big time! Her bottom molar started to cut on Sunday and by Thursday she was a miserable mess. She developed a low grade fever every time she was uncomfortable which freaked me out as a first time mom but I got it under control as soon as I realized she was going to be ok. She's much better today but it was not easy this week and that's all I'll say about that.

Came back to add that both her top canines are out too. It seems like she only starts teething on Sundays or is it that I am calm enough to notice. Whatever it is, she has 13 teeth as of today! Wow, please help me find a way to stop making my baby grow so fast!

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I baked and baked all day Thursday to take to dinner. I didn't get nearly as much as I wanted done due to a cranky, CRANKY, baby but it all turned out just fine, not great, but fine.

Thanksgiving this year was pretty horrible in the sense that my mom was sick, baby was sick, my brother's family went to Disney land and therefore missing, and my cousin who was supposed to show with his new fiancee (whom we haven't met)didn't come because my aunt and uncle showed up and they are not speaking to each other. My other aunt and uncle who hosted the dinner and who hosts the dinner every year and their children didn't know much about this feud but I felt bad knowing it and kinda being in the middle since I asked them to be invited not knowing about my cousin's feud.

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I went to a stable on Friday and found out that I am totally allergic to horses. I have never been allergic to anything in my life but as I grow older things are starting to bother me. Things that I normally love like animals and fruit. My favorite fruit of all time, peaches and last year it started to bother me and gave me an itchy throat. Now peaches and apples make my lips plump up and my throat itch like hell. And to add to the misery, after I left the stables, my throat almost completely closed up. My throat felt tighter and tighter and I couldn't speak or breathe very well. Scary stuff. Aging is awesome!

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it's 3am and baby is up. A-man went in to take care of her but she's freaking out! Since Tuesday we've thrown the whole sleep ritual out the window because of her teething and fever that she was having as a result of it. Tonight was the first night back in her bedroom and back to A-man taking care of her at night and she doesn't like it one bit. She usually cries for a minute or less when he goes in but she's since she's used to me being there, she's crying a little longer and harder. We knew this would happen, at least I did. But at least she calmed down a bit. I'm going to give it 15 minutes before I go in. She's with her daddy but he doesn't have the goods like mommy does.

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I'm doing another craft fair next weekend. I have a lot to do but again, I sit behind this computer thinking about having a lot to do instead of getting some work done. Why am I such a procrastinator? I lost most of my motivation in September when I was totally psyched for a craft fair and spent a ton of time getting ready for it only to be rained out and do very poorly in sales. I still have a lot of inventory from that fair so I don't necessarily have to make more items but I still have to tag and label them all and make 'em look presentable. I don't have the motivation right now.

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She's still crying. Do I go in? um, A-man just let her out so I guess I don't have a choice..

Thank you

Life has been such a blessing and I need to remember to be grateful all the time. I get caught up being angry with people or frustrated about certain daily things and it's not worth it. None of it. My life has been blessed with healthy parents, a great relationship with my awesome husband who is an even better father than I could have ever hoped for, and the best daughter in the world.

I must admit that I was hoping to be pregnant and believed it with all my heart and soul but it isn't happening. I just got my period yesterday night and so we'll try again next month. But it's ok because with A-man tending to baby at nights, I started to exercise and I really could use this time to get healthy before being pregnant again since I'm so close to being too old to have a "normal" birth due to my age. But I'm thankful that I can and I know I will because I just feel it and we couldn't be in a better place to have another baby in our lives. A-man and I have been together for 10 years and we've had many ups and downs but I believe all those experiences has gotten us stronger and closer.

I've seen some HORRIBLE news in the world and I dont even want to link the news feeds here because it'll ruin your day. I need to stop reading the news because it makes me lose hope in humanity. Plus a blog that I follow just found out that she has Stage 3 Sinus Cancer and she has a 3 year old son and it breaks my heart that she has to go through this. I know millions of people all over the world are struggling with poor health, financial problems, starvation, and lack of the basic needs but I sit here and all I can say is Thank you. Thank God for all my blessings and for helping me be aware of my blessings. I will start being more conscious in letting go of the little things that irritate me or frustrates me because at the end of the day, they don't matter.

Have a wonderful Thanksgiving everyone and Thank you for your support and kind words or thoughts with this blog.

Update and Progress

Eleanor's 11th teeth has started to cut. Her bottom front left molar is poking though ever so slightly and looks like the right side will be following. She's been doing pretty well considering. We've never had really bad nights due to teething, Thank God!
But she's not so happy either which could be due to a number of reasons.

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Have I mentioned how much my husband rocks my world? He's been on night duty this week since we've started the new sleep ritual and haven't put up a fight and is spending the whole night on the floor in baby's room with her. She's still waking up several times a night but goes right back to sleep. Last night I only heard her cry once for 2 minutes and thought she didn't wake up again but A-man told me she did but went right back to sleep. I know she would have cried more if he wasn't with her but for now we're getting her used to not having to comfort nurse and then we'll work on slowly getting her to sleep alone again.

I actually just went in to her room because she woke up and A-man was outside and she didn't ask to be nursed and just went to sleep on her own. She's definitely learning that she doesn't need me to fall asleep. Christmas came early in this house!

Postponed and other disappointments

I was supposed to go see a concert tonight of my favorite band and with friends that I haven't hung out with in a long, long time but the show got postponed. It was for The Smashing Pumpkins and they said that Billy is sick. They had 3 other shows this week and apparently Billy had shown some signs of irritability. What I'm more upset with is the fact that I didn't get to hang out with my friends. Two friends from high school were supposed to go with me and this would have been the first time the three of us hung out SINCE high school. I was looking forward to that part. Really looking forward to it.

They postponed the show to a Monday night and my one friend lives about an hour and a half from the concert venue and has two very young children. I also bought tickets to last nights show instead of any of the other 3 nights because it was a Saturday night and although I know I can go with A-man watching Eleanor, it wouldn't be as convenient since the next day is a work day.

I've seen the Pumpkins a million times before and these tickets were expensive so the real thrill was getting to go out since I've only gone out 3 times before without baby in the last 16 months. Oh well, we'll get together soon either way.
I can get a refund but I'm just really bummed out. Enough to wake up at 3 in the fucking morning, I guess.

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I'm not sure if I'm getting my period soon but I've been really irritable as well. There's this wooden plaque I bought in Korea in 2001 that I loved but decided to hang it up at my store because it fit there really well. I put it as high as I could but still reachable tippy toed. I noticed a couple of YEARS ago that it went missing and I never really thought twice about it but it's really pissing me off today.
My store is located in a predominantly lesbian community and the plaque was a carving of a womans profile in a piece of wood about 1.5 inched thick and about 5 inches square. It had a Chinese character I think (it's been a while) and just really cool but someone must have reached up and grabbed it while I went to get their order. And since I don't remember when it happened exactly and it's been several years, there's no way I could ever get it back. I wish the person that stole it got what they deserved with a big kick in the ass by Karma!

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I hate work sometimes, I hate dealing with people and having to eat their shit. Some people really suck. I got a call yesterday from a customer that wasn't happy with the alterations to 3 of her pants and she wanted her money back but she's too busy to ever come in and it's been over a month so she's going to try to come after Thanksgiving. I was really nice on the phone of course but when I got to think about it, it really bothered me. We go through 200-300 pieces of alterations a week and we might get a return for re-work about once every COUPLE OF MONTHS because we're still human and we do have off days. But this person is saying that all three of her pants are screwy and although everything is possible, this is virtually impossible. I just feel like she's trying to take advantage of us because she's not happy for some reason. Maybe we did screw up one of her pants but I just can't imagine having ruined all three and the fact that she doesn't want it re-done bothers me because that could mean that she's fine with it and just wants her money back.

While I'm complaining about it. I had another customer come back last week with an alteration for hem on a pair of pants that she said were different lengths. So, I took the pant and laid it down to see how different they were and I couldn't see any difference so I asked her to try them on and I'd re-fit it to her body because we all have slightly different length legs and when you wear clothes, the difference could be more apparent. When she tried it on there was no difference either and she must has agreed because she didn't say anything so when she was done with changing back, I asked her what she wanted me to do. I asked if she wanted me to take a certain amount off on a certain leg because I couldn't see a difference when I measured it or when she tried it on. Apparently her friends agreed with her that it was different and convinced her to take it back. She just said it was ok and took her pant back along with a couple of other pieces of clothing that she was going to leave behind for her partner. I was really nice and totally willing to do whatever she wanted but her lack of any sort of emotion or willingness to work with me really pissed me off. I'd like to make everyone happy with their order but what was I to do if she wasn't willing to work with me. How can I fix something that looks totally fine on someone?

One more, I promise.. We had this long time customer who was always very distant but him and his wife had a baby a few months before us and since then, we've been very friendly with each other. I even served in the Peace Corps with a good friend of his. Last month we returned his dress shirts with holes on the elbows, three shirts, three elbows, same spot. Ok, again, we go through 1500-1800 (HUNDREDS!!) of laundry shirts a week and they all get worked on individually and separately. After 5 or more years of using us, he has never had any issues until now, until all of his shirts had wear marks on his elbows and therefore were either ripped fully during cleaning or rejected because of it. Again, nothing is impossible, and there may have been some way we could have randomly ripped 3 shirts and they just all happened to be one persons. But COME ON! Really? I dont think so. Most people that have wears on their elbow are fully aware that when they are working, they are leaning on that elbow which eventually leads to wear and tear. Most people understand it. This guy totally flipped out. Mentioned how he was in the military and something to the effect that he'd get us back for "stealing from his family" and that once he sets his mind to something it gets done. Ok, I have good friends that I've known less than the years that I've known him and his family and their names and our mutual friend. He could have been a little more reasonable but the fact that he came out like a raging lunatic after all these years of virtually perfect service is ridiculous bordering insane!! We don't care if a shirt was bought at the thrift store or if it's a burberry couture we'll still treat all clothes just as delicately. and what the fuck are you doing buying $200+ clothes (his shirts were $250) when you have a baby to take care of. Do you freak out just as much when your baby spits up on your $300 ties and shirts (yes, he owns $300 ties).
Get a life!

End rant. I should say that I love 99% of my customers and they love us too and have made many friends but those rare assholes are sure fun to deal with sometimes.

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My house is a fucking mess and I have a cold sore and my MIL talked my ear off today because I had to call looking for my family. I hope next week is better.


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It's so hard

to not be able to go to my crying baby. Since we started this new night time ritual of A-man going in instead of me, I have to just lay there (or sit here) listening to her cry knowing that I could make her stop instantly.

Why does it have to be so hard? Why am I a mom if I can't do it all?

Plan B, Day Two

Did I mention that Eleanor woke up yesterday in a great mood since we've started this? and again today!! It's great. Plus, I'm exhausted from sleeping so much. How much does that rock?

A-man went in last night to tend to Eleanor when she woke up and again, she cried for a shorter amount of time and slept pretty well. I think she woke up 3 times total but went to sleep relatively fast.

Naps have been a little screwy but she's adjusting so maybe she's not too tired during the day.

My fingers are still crossed and thank you to all those that are keeping their fingers crossed for us too.

Eleanor-Who else? :)

I bought these letters back in may for Elle's birthday present and I FINALLY put it up yesterday! How's that for procrastination? I kept wanting to put them on a wooden back and frame it but since that involved cutting wood, I just gave up. I had so many things planned for her room but I haven't done anything!! I'm so bad.






Here's some of her from this morning because she's cute.

They were looking out the window and Elle's arm was around Madison and it was absolutely precious but when I ran to get the camera, Madison followed after me so this picture was taken after I made them get back up there together but it's still cute huh?


I bought this kitty named Leo in April and she's just starting to play with it, when I first bought it, we had it in the car and she would hold onto it's tail and go to sleep now she swings the tail around her neck and carries him around. I'll have to take a picture of that some day. But in this picture, she's waving "hi" to Leo.

The one sock thing is because she picks one up and wants me to put it on her, she's usually wearing one shoe also.

After our photo session, she got ahold of the camera and took some pictures, here's one. I think she has potential.

Plan B-Day One

A good friend who is a daycare teacher and a great mother told me to do something that sounded to me like the "supernanny" method. Where you go into the room when they wake up and tell them to sleep and put the into their bed, and if they wake again, go back in a few minutes later and put them into bed without saying a word, and keep doing that until they are asleep. This way, they will learn that they are not going to get what they want out of you which is attention. In our case, it's comfort nursing. Eleanor is pretty much attached to me all day and night which has been ok and really not much of a concern but like I said, she gets dark circles around her eyes because of poor sleep and I know I need to cut off the night nursing in order for her to sleep longer. I don't plan on weaning just yet but I don't want her to use me as a pacifier.

I really liked the sound of this method. It sure beats crying it out. I really couldn't do it and with her climbing out of the crib, we couldn't do it even if we wanted to now. The only problem and the main problem is that when she sees me come get her and I don't immediately offer her my boob, she's goes crazy. Literally!! She tears at her face repeatedly and screams. She loses her breath but there are no tears and she doesn't even open her eyes. It breaks my heart but part of my method for trying to stop the comfort nursing is to be asked for it and not offer it. Since I've started this a few days ago, she has always eventually calmed down and asked for it and I enthusiastically oblige. I just wish she wouldn't go through the hysterics beforehand.

Ok, back to the problem. Since she wants to be nursed when she sees me every time she wakes up, she screams louder and cries longer until she gets what she wants. She'll grab my shirt and demand it until I give in. So the only alternative to change this is for me to NOT go in when she wakes up. That only means that A-man needs to do this new method all night long by himself. He was a little hesitant to start but he completely understood and we started last night and it went really well. Eleanor only cried for 4 minutes which is a fraction of what she does with me plus, her cries weren't even that loud or long. She did wake up several times as normal but A-man fell asleep with her in her room all night and kept it under control. We're going to try this out for 2 weeks but with the hope that she realizes in a short few days that mommy isn't coming in so I better just sleep cuz daddy doesn't have the goods.

I told A-man that if she doesn't change in 2 weeks then we'd just go back to the way things were but I'm really keeping my fingers crossed that it'll work. She had a great night tonight hanging out with grandma and eating Korean food (which I'm beginning to think is her favorite) so I'm hoping she'll sleep well tonight.

Holidays

I love giving gifts and I used to spend all my money on getting the biggest, best gifts for my family, especially my mom. But as the number of family members grow and my pocket books gets smaller, I'm needing to get creative.

Once I bought everyone a lottery ticket, it was cheap and fun to watch them scratch it off together. A couple of years ago when I was pregnant, I decided to do a raffle of $100. A-man's family loved the idea and had a blast. My family got all shitty and made me feel like shit for not giving a present to my grandmother (The eldest in our family). Since I have a larger family than A-man's side, I gave out two prizes instead of giving it all to one person. But my cousin and my aunt from the same family won both so everyone else got in a hissy fit that that wasn't fair that I shouldn't have given it to two people in one family. What the fuck!

I can't stand my in laws but sometimes, they're simpleness and gratitude is very refreshing.

This year I think I'm just going to bake. I'm not sure if I'll have time to make it all with Eleanor by my side but at least it'll be eaten. I could make people stuff like purses or clothes but again, my family wouldn't appreciate it. They're all about labels and cost and even though they would thank me for it, they wouldn't use it. Bah-freaking-humbug!

What's wrong with them and how did I come from that?

What are you all planning to do? Can you believe Thanksgiving is right around the corner, literally?

Busy Day

I think she's teething. She woke up after a nap SCREAMING!! at the top of her lungs and was inconsolable. I knew that if I stuck a boob in her mouth she would stop but I wanted her to calm down and tell me that she wanted it instead of "rewarding" her crazy behaviour with what she wanted. She finally did calm down and in between huffing and puffing, she asked.

We converted her crib to a daybed. We just removed one rail and reinforced it with a conversion kit. She hated it. She loved the fact that she could climb on and off it easily but I think it freaked her out a bit. I actually like it cuz I can put her to sleep and put my head right next to her until she falls asleep. I don't think crib tents would work because Eleanor is such a light sleeper that if I put her down and try to fuss with the tent, she will undoubtly wake up. She wakes up from the sound of me snapping my nursing bra back into place so there's no way I have any room for other noise. You should see the circus act I do in order to get out of her room quietly in our old creaky house, you'd die laughing.

11 months after I bought an elliptical machine we finally put the cable line next to it in the basement today so I could watch TV while exercising. Ok, so it is a load of crap excuse for why I haven't used the machine in 11 months but I hate exercising and the only thing to do in the dark basement is to watch TV and since it's not hooked up upstairs in our house, I can finally catch up on some good ol' quality TV time. Oh and maybe lose some baby weight for once.

I've also been cleaning. I take my hat off to any mom that can keep their house clean or semi clean, make meals, AND take care of their children. I can't do any of those things. I just spend every waking moment with Eleanor and she doesn't let me do things without getting involved. i.e. If I need to do the dishes, she'll grab everything I put in there or try to stand on the door of the dishwasher both of which are nasty. If I want to cook, she'll grab onto the oven handle and climb up so she can be face to face with the hot surface only to wave her hand and say "Hot, Hot". If I want to fold laundry, she'll grab all the folded clothes and toss them or drag them all over the house. She's very independent but she just wants me to be in the same room. She doesn't even hang out with me but even if one leg is over the baby gate, she freaks out.

So anyways, I've been much better at getting things put away right then and there so it doesn't collect. Most of the days, all the surface of my kitchen counter top, dining room table and all the dressers have piles of shit on top of them. We run out of dishes and utensils constantly. I might have to hire a nanny just to watch Eleanor so I can clean my house. How pathetic is that?

Maybe I should go use that elliptical machine since I finally got A-man to put the cable line near it and baby is sleeping for now. we'll see...

Day Three and part of Day Four

Operation "New Sleep Method" Aborted!!

Let me start by saying that day three went really well. It gave me hope for a new way of sleeping. Eleanor did better at falling asleep in her crib during her naps with me standing over the crib until she fell asleep. Last night she went to bed after nursing right away. She woke up 2 hours later around 9:30pm, then again at 10:30 pm and again at around 11:45pm. I tended to her as usual the first two times, nursed her back to sleep and left her in her crib but the third time, I let her cry it out. I know it's harsh but I needed to stop this pattern. She cried and cried but then she fell asleep and woke up 5 hours later, she broke her own record!! I was ecstatic. I woke up not realizing that I even slept solid for 5 hours straight and just laid in bed mesmerized. But of course not for long. She woke up around 5:20 am and I happily picked her up and nursed her as she requested.

Ok, that was day three. It gave me a lot of hope for tonight, alot of hope. But it all came to a screeching halt when Eleanor decided to hook her foot over the crib rail and climb out. She did it as I was going to pick her up and I didn't want to make a big deal about it because I didn't want her to realize what she just did. Then she did the same thing during her late afternoon nap with A-man but he picked her up and took her out. The third time was not so lucky. She was behaving really badly during dinner so I gave her time out in her crib and walked out the door and "THUMP". She had gone overboard! Thank God she's ok and didn't hurt herself.

I just tried to put her to sleep again by nursing but she kept waking up as soon as I tried to put her into her crib. It's like she's just realizing that I'm going to leave her alone in her bed and she was going to fight me all the way. After a few attempts of trying to put her into her crib (after she fell asleep in my arms) I just gave up and put her in her crib awake and tried to pat her to sleep but it didn't work this time. She just started screaming and crying so I just sat back in the rocking chair and let her scream at me. As soon as I sat down in the chair, she started to climb out of the crib and all of a sudden she's heading straight for the floor. Literally heading, with her head!! I grabbed her and saved her from fall in time but now what?

I am fucked. I can never leave her in the crib alone.

I guess we're going to go shopping for a toddler bed tomorrow. So much for my fancy dancy crib.

In case you were curious, she's asleep on the floor of her room. I'll have to rearrange some furniture and bolt things to the wall tomorrow. She's 16 months old, is this normal or do I have a future gymnast in my hands?

Day Two

I can't do it. It fucking sucks. I let her cry a little for her morning nap after she woke up as soon as I left the room. But after about 10 minutes, I went in to find her room stinking with poop. She had poohed in her diaper and since she's mostly potty trained, I know she was crying for me to take her to the bathroom. I felt like the worst mom in the world so I don't know if I can stick to this. Plus reading yesterday's post was harsh even for me and I fucking wrote it! She'll eventually sleep on her own, right?

On the brighter side, she is learning to fall asleep even without nursing. A few times I nursed her before her nap and even if she woke up I put her in her crib and just stood over her and waited until she went to sleep. She would never have done that. But last night she kept waking up as soon as I started to leave the room, fucking creaky ass floors (I need to move but that's a whole different post), so I just stayed in her room for an hour.

She still woke up a few times last night as usual but I do feel like we're making progress. But I'm not sure if watching her cry in the same room is any better than letting her cry without me there. This sucks. It really does. I wish I had the strength and the stamina to carry her and rock her to sleep every time.

I'm not giving up but I am losing hope.

Day One

So I started to let her cry it out a little. I did a bit during her naps yesterday but went in as soon as she quieted down so she knows that I'm right there and ready to take her when she calls for me instead of screaming for me. During her late nap, she cried for a little bit and stopped crying so I went in and saw her put her head down. Progress!! But she heard me coming and woke right back up. That was completely ok because I want her to know that I'm not too far away.

The ultimate test was last night. I nursed her to sleep and when she fell asleep in my arms, I put her in her bed and walked out. She woke up about 20 minutes later and started to cry. I waited and waited and after 17 minutes she went back to sleep. ON HER OWN!! I've heard stories of babies crying for hours, one friend's baby cried for 2 hours straight when they let him cry it out and there was no way I would do that. I was going to go in around 20-30 minutes and nurse her back to sleep but I didn't have to.

She slept for a solid 3 hours even with me going in to check in on her every 45 minutes or so just to make sure she was ok. When she woke up at 10:39pm, I nursed her to sleep and repeated the process. She did wake up right away but she literally let out one cry for a few seconds and went to sleep. She woke up around 2AM and again, nurse and then crib. When she woke up in the morning at 5:20AM, I brought her to bed with me thinking she was up for the morning but I nursed her back to sleep for another 2 hours.

I don't really count waking up after 5AM as part of the night sleep, so she only woke up twice during the night and that is a huge deal. More importantly, I think she's understanding that she needs to sleep on her own and doesn't need me to do it.

I just put her down for her morning nap and usually if she doesn't fall asleep after I nurse her, I'd just bring her out of her room and let her play until she passes out from being super tired. But I wanted to implement some kind of schedule with her so I just put her in her crib and told her it was nap time and although she struggled to get out of the crib, she didn't put up too much of a fight and laid down. Then I just stood over her crib and patted her belly and head until she fell asleep. She woke up and started to cry as soon as I started to leave the room but I didn't look back and even though I would normally get her and nurse her until she fell asleep in my arms, I am going to let her sleep on her own.

This is the hardest thing I have done. I'm the type of mom that runs to her side when she falls or screams for anything. But as she gets older, I don't want her to get into bad habits of staying up all night and not eating. I hope I'm doing the right thing. Where's that manual that's supposed to come with these babies of ours?

Sweetness

Eleanor is usually a wild and totally active baby but this moment captured her sweet side that I rarely get to witness. She's not a thumb sucker but she just happened to put her finger in her mouth and with the beautiful clear sky, doesn't she look so angelic?

I don't believe in crying it out.

I just don't. I think it's evil and malicious. Babies can't tell you what's wrong and how they feel so how could a mom let a baby cry for hours by themselves to sleep. It breaks my heart just thinking about it. However, I completely understand why a mom HAS to do it. If the mom needs to go back to work or is physically weak from lack of sleep and no OTHER method works, then I do kinda understand why they might let their baby cry it out.

I have never let Eleanor cry it out. She has always been given immediate attention and after 16 months, she still nurses 1-2 hours a night. Some times I might get 3 hours of continuous sleep from her but those are far and few between. Yes, I know it sounds crazy and my nipples are paying for it not to mention my lack of sleep. But I'm really blessed to be able to stay at home for the most part. I went back to work when she was 2 months old but I own my own business and only have to go in for a couple of hours a day. So the rest of my days were/are spent with her and if I wanted to nap, I could have. Having said that, I really wish I could get a full nights rest. But more importantly, I wish Eleanor could sleep a full night. She constantly has bags and dark circles under her eyes. She's not anemic. She's just tired. And since she's constantly nursing, she doesn't get hungry and does not eat or drink very well. I see other babies stuff massive amounts of food and then cry for more. I see and hear how they sleep uninterupted for 10-12 hours a night. I don't mind staying up all night. I'd do anything for Eleanor but I feel like she's not getting enough sleep and enough nutrition. Therefore, I am considering letting her cry it out. If it doesn't work and she is set on nursing to sleep or waking up every couple of hours, So be it. But if it does indeed work and it helps her sleep through the night, I'd be ecstatic.

I have thought about doing it for months but I chicken out after 5 minutes of hearing her cry. So after 16 months, I'm finally ready. We'll see if I follow through but what else am I to do? I spent the weekend with a friend and her baby who gets put down for bed in her crib, awake and she just sleeps on her own. Never crying and waking up as happy and cute as can be. I want that for Eleanor. I want her to be rested and wake up hungry to eat whatever I give her. It might not happen but I suppose I need to try. If she ate well I suppose I could live with her waking up all the time to nurse. Of if she slept well, I could nurse her all day long, knowing that she's content sleeping and not hungry.

It's going to be hard. I might chicken out yet again, but something needs to change because she's so stubborn and I really did spoil her rotten by being so accommodating so as she gets older, it's time to implement some tough love. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

A new day.

It's been one hell of a week. A wonderful week in our nation. A week that has changed history.

It feels like the week started on Tuesday. I can't even remember Monday at all. It feels like life has taken a new turn on Tuesday and has evolved to a new different world. We woke up bright and early Tuesday morning. Our polling place opened at 7 am. We made and ate breakfast as fast as we could and around 8 am, the three of us, walked down the street to the grade school where we were able to vote. The three of us. My family. Holding baby Eleanor's hand. She not knowing where we're going, or what we were doing. But just has happy to be walking between, or rather swinging between the two of us.
She won't know for many years the historic event that she had participated in and I am elated to have had her by our side.

Our polling place had one electronic voting machine and several booths for paper votes. A-man and I both decided to vote electronically because we thought it was faster and didn't know that there was only one. I was first in line but since I had to chase Elle around in the gymnasium, he went first. As usual, Elle went up to pretty much everyone in that room and said, "Hi". She just loves to say Hi, she gave one random person a hug, also something she loves to do, and she followed and watched another child like a hawk. When A-man was done, he took her outside to the playground and I finished my vote.

I checked the right box. Then I reviewed it, and reviewed the review. I wanted to make sure. I know that Illinois is a democratic state and I knew the outcome of our state. But I also needed to make sure that I took part of this election to make sure that my vote was in. If everyone thought that their vote didn't count and didn't vote, it could very well swing the final result one way or another. So each vote does count, even if you live in a RED or BLUE state. Every vote and every person counts.

The rest of the day was spent wondering. Wondering what would happen. Could this country really pull through and vote for a change? Could this country where most of the states have small towns with conservative values change to bring a Black Man into power? Would it really have been an issue of change had He not been Black? If Barack Obama was a white man, was named John Vanderbilt or something with the same background of experience, same principals, same determination for change, would it been as historic? I'd like to believe that it isn't about his Race, that it is "about the content of his character" and I hope that our world has changed.

As the polls started to close in the east coast and seeing more blue than red, I knew. I knew right away that it would happen. I knew that Obama would win but I was scared nonetheless. Most of the Red states were in the central to mountain time zones and those tallies would come hours later. But when the electoral votes were 207 to 135, there was no doubt. California had 55 electoral votes and I knew that that would be BLUE so he was undoubtly going to win but the announcement came much sooner than before the Pacific Coast's polls were closed. He won by a landslide. I have never been so interested in politics. This is my second Election that I voted in. I was one of those people that thought that my vote didn't matter because we lived in a democratic state. But in 2000, I was living in Asia and did not vote and was devastated that it was so close and had to vote in 2004. Unfortunately it didn't go as I had hoped then either.

I waited patiently for the speech. I wish I was at the rally but being a first time mom has some limitations such as leaving half of the day. It just couldn't happen. So I sat by the television, waiting just like half of the world, not just our country but the entire world to listen to his speech. McCain went first and gave a very respectful speech and I was impressed. He finally showed a decent side of him that I didn't expect. But the speech by President Elect Obama was amazing. It felt so unreal that I was alive and watching history take place. I was apart of something that would go down in our books not just because this election had the possibity of a woman or a black man go into the White House but because it gave so much hope. I just felt like we finally did something right. We, as in 52% of our population, made an impact that will change everything.

There is a lot of turmoil in the world, in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Congo to just name a few but there is also a great deal of devastation in America with our financial crisis, our poor health care and education system and so on. The changes that were promised to us might not happen over night, or in a year, or even in one term but I strongly believe that Obama is the person, the only person, who would bring about positive change by uniting our country, respecting all sides, and leading with love, respect, and understanding of all races, gender, and sexual orientation. I am proud to have been part of something so much bigger than myself. I am so proud of helping someone become president that respects the personal decisions of woman, that respects all people for who they are and not who they love, that appreciates the values of the working class, and that worked hard to fight racial barriers through his own life as a student and a person of color. He wasn't given a silver spoon when he was born like Bush or McCain yet he accomplished just as much.

I don't believe in all the things that he is planning to do but I couldn't possibly let this country be run by people that didn't have the best interest of the people in mind just to save my pocket book as a small business owner. It's a new day and a new life for every one of us and all I have is hope that things will start to change.

(By the way, shame on you California, shame on you.)

Today

Today has several different meaning to me.

Most importantly, my daughter is 16 months old. She is more fun, more social, more friendly, and more wild than I could ever imagine. She has learned to not only climb the baby gates which she's done months ago but now, she out right climbs OVER it. So much for safety! Her tenth tooth has cut through a couple of weeks ago and I'm hoping, praying that it means that she'll eat better. I suppose it would help if her bottom molars cut through but I can see the gums swelling so I"m sure it's any day from now.

Elle has also added a few more words to her vocab. The most notable and also the most funny (at least to me) is her daddy's name. It is 100% my fault because even though I normally call him "honey" or "sweety" when he's around me, when I need him, and he's not around, I'll scream out his name. Most of the time, he's in the garage at the back of the house so I'll stand by the back door and scream out his name, usually 3 times because he doesn't hear me the first couple of times. Then all of a sudden, 2 weeks ago, Elle climbed up the shoe box by the back door, looked out the window and said his name, you guessed it, 3 times, really loud! Now she says it alllll the time. If she says Ah-Pah and he doesn't answer, she'll just shout out his name. It's freaking hilarious but of course A-man hates it. hee hee.

She's also learned her name. As you can see in the video. But since she also says Hello and Hola, It's really hard to know for sure if she's saying Ella or those other 2 words. We'll just pretend she knows them all independently of each other.

I think she pretty much understands everything I say. The other day, she pointed at A-man's hat on the coat rack and said "Ah-pah" and patted her own head. She also has retrieved items for me. That is great for this lazy mom sometimes. I've asked for the phone or her shoes and she's brought them to me without a hitch.

I guess we'll be signing her up for college soon.

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Today also marks the 7th anniversary of my father's death. He past away on November 1, 2001 from liver cirrhosis . He was an alcoholic and even though (from what I've heard) he had been sober for many years prior to his illness, I guess his liver just gave up.

I really don't want to go into more details than that since we've been estranged for about 10 years before he past away.

I just came back from visiting the cemetery.

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Today is also the day that my mom and step father took over managing our business for us. That means that from now on I'll be a full time stay at home mom. I'll probably go into the store just as much to help out but I don't HAVE to which is the cool part.